Welp. It’s 2025. Everyone on the internet is doing ‘new year, new me’ blogs with promises to do and be better, to achieve greatness and whatever else they’re trying to put on their plate from the buffet of life. I’m just… I’m here. My mind is cluttered with thoughts, ideas, wants. Goals? Things I want to have as goals but am not sure if its too late, too soon, unreachable, etc. Man. The mind is a crazy place, am I right? Yes. Yes, I am, and that feels good.
I found myself thinking about my website the other day, and the direction that I wanted to take it. That I wasn’t sure of what goals I had in store for myself. I feel like everyone does this whole, “2025 is going to be my year!” thing and I want to jump on that bandwagon, but…. I think like most people from my generation (I’m a 90s baby) I am stuck in this warping wormhole of unsureness. It kind of reminds me of the graduation speech from Twilight, where Jessica talks about how people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up, and then at some point people expect this ultra-serious answer from you. And the answer is, “who the hell knows?” I think I’m still there. In that “who the hell knows” phase of my life, which at 32, feels a bit…gross? Almost like this let down. But, it also shows me that the pressures I put on past me were just dumb. Because it’s okay that I don’t know what I want to do. It’s okay that I am still trying to find my place, to “make my mark” and maybe its okay to let go of how tightly I’ve clung to those feelings for so long. That pressure to be this superhero of a human being with all of the answers. Because let’s be honest, the only people who probably have those answers are the sparkly vampires of Twilight who are like eons of years old. And maybe, that mindset, those answers, will never be me.
I used to put a lot of pressure on myself with Hodgepodge. I had this notion that I had to constantly be working, constantly be churning things out whether it was mesh, blogs, videos, streams. I had this mountain of expectation to be as incredible as some of my amazing friends and family make me feel. But the reality is that the only person with those expectations is ME! Crazy. Wild. Imagine.
So yeah, I’m still figuring out my workflow for my brand. Who I want to be on it, what I want this to become. If I am being real, it’s become a literal hodgepodge of topics and things and while that does make me nervous I realized finally that it is just… me. I’ve always been someone who has done a lot of things. I’ve always been the person doing everything, anything creative and trying to just….figure it out with a tsunami wave of pressure only coming from me. Admitting that I was indeed still ‘figuring it out’ to me spelled failure. But as 2025 has crept into my life, I have indeed realized one very important thing:
It is okay to not have it all figured out.
